Loss frustration: Why we can't let go (and how to do it anyway)
19-5-2026
Translation: machine translated
Sorting things out is often damn difficult. The fact that we hold on to full basements, unused plans or expensive bad purchases is due to a psychological mechanism: loss aversion. Behind this is a stone-age reflex in our brain that you can outsmart.
I have an old juicer in the cellar. For years. For many, many years, if I'm honest. I never use it, it sits in the way and collects dust. It should really have gone to the flea market or been thrown away long ago. Nevertheless, it survives every muck-out, escapes every flea market visit and continues to gather dust. As soon as I think about giving it away, a voice inside me speaks up: «Maybe next week I'll start squeezing fresh juice every morning after all.»
Does this sound familiar? Why do we hold on to things and beliefs that actually only weigh us down? Is it out of stupidity or a lack of discipline? No, we struggle with a psychological mechanism that is deeply rooted in all of us: loss aversion.
The psychology of loss aversion: the fear of loss weighs twice as much
The theory of loss aversion was founded in 1979 by the two cognitive psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky. In their studies, they discovered that people evaluate gains and losses in completely different emotional ways. They were even able to quantify this in concrete terms: from a psychological perspective, a loss hurts us about twice as much as a gain of the same amount pleases us.
If you found 50 euros on the street, you would certainly be very happy. If you were to lose the 50 euros again in the evening, you would be devastated by the loss - even though you have no less than you did before your unexpected find. So even though you have won and lost the same amount, the frustration over the loss outweighs the joy in the end.
Source: Shutterstock
This seemingly illogical feeling has an evolutionary reason. In the Stone Age, it was vital for our ancestors not to lose scarce resources such as food or safe shelter. If you gave up your possessions lightly, you risked your life. The chance of an additional prize (such as another apple) was nice, but not necessarily essential for survival. So our brains learnt that losing is dangerous. It is precisely this Stone Age legacy that still kicks in today when we try to clear out the attic or break away from old habits.
Evolutionary legacy: the shrew with a sense of loss
How deeply this evolutionary programme is anchored in us is described very clearly by brain researcher Stefan Kölsch in his concept of the so-called «loss frustration». Kölsch derives his loss aversion directly from loss aversion and makes it clear in his book «The dark side of the brain» how much our subconscious controls us.
To explain this, he likes to use the image of a shrew that has caught a beetle in his lectures. If this shrew now sees a much bigger and fatter grasshopper sitting right in front of it, it will still not let go of the beetle to grab the grasshopper. Why? Because her subconscious knows: She's got the beetle for sure. If she lets go, the grasshopper could escape and she would come away empty-handed.
Source: Martin Koebsch/Shutterstock
Just like the shrew, we react with real stress, frustration and negative emotions if we are even threatened with loss. This unconscious clinging to safe prey is the reason why we find it so difficult to part with our physical possessions (like me with my juicer).
This evolutionarily sensible survival mechanism is often our downfall in modern everyday life. Companies are well aware of our loss aversion. Free trial subscriptions for streaming services are a classic example. You sign up for a free trial month. It costs you nothing, so it feels like a win. But once the month is over, you have to actively cancel the plan to avoid paying. Your brain suddenly evaluates this cancellation as the «loss» of a much-loved service. To avoid this painful loss, we prefer to let the plan continue - and promptly fall into the trap.
How to outsmart your brain: 3 psychological tricks for everyday life
So if we know that our brain is playing tricks on us, how can we defend ourselves? Here are a few everyday tips from behavioural psychology that make it easier to let go:
1. change of perspective
Don't ask yourself what you lose when you give an item away. You can get further with this question: «If I didn't own this item today, how much money would I pay to get it right now?» Most of the time, the answer is: nothing.
2. gain distance
If you're angry about something (such as a cancelled plan or a missed opportunity), try to actively stop the frustration. Stefan Kölsch advises you to consciously recognise the emotion, take a deep breath and stoically focus your attention on the here and now. This may seem impossible at first, but it gets easier and easier with practice.
3. the trial separation
Pack things that you find difficult to part with in a box and put them out of sight. If you haven't even thought about the contents for the next six months, you can dispose of the box sight unseen. The pain of loss will be much less because you will have already distanced yourself internally.
Book tip: How to better understand your subconscious
If you want to delve deeper into such subconscious mechanisms, I recommend «The dark side of the brain» by Stefan Kölsch. The book is about much more than just the frustration of loss. In it, Kölsch breaks down how our subconscious controls our perception, our feelings and our decisions. He sheds light on negative thought loops, fears, entrenched conflicts and the eternal question of why we often do things that we know are harmful to us.
He constantly builds a bridge from the Stone Age directly into our everyday lives. You will learn why our brain reacts so strongly to threats or social insults and why it is so damn hard to get rid of old behavioural patterns. This is not a guidebook with quick checklists, but a solid foundation for better understanding your own emotional inner life.
The language used is vivid and realistic. Nevertheless, the book feels like a really good university lecture in places: dense, detailed and theoretically sound. So if you're interested in in-depth connections, you've come to the right place. Kölsch uses this scientific basis to provide concrete advice for everyday life at the end.
To accompany the book, Kölsch explains on YouTube how our subconscious influences us unnoticed.
And what do I do with my juicer now?
I took a photo of it last night and advertised it online to give away. A short time later, it was already gone. Just like the small pang of loss, which disappeared in a flash. What's left is the free space in the basement and the wonderfully liberating feeling that I've cheated the Stone Age in my head.
Header image: Cottonbro/Pexels
Anna Sandner
Senior Editor
Anna.Sandner@galaxus.deScience editor and biologist. I love animals and am fascinated by plants, their abilities and everything you can do with them. That's why my favourite place is always the outdoors - somewhere in nature, preferably in my wild garden.
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