Opinion
What I've only known since I became a mother of two
by Katja Fischer
Why having a child is no guarantee for happiness
17-3-2023
Translation: Katherine Martin
A new study has proven that having children makes you happy – but only for a short while. So what happens after the feeling subsides? My thoughts on parenthood-inspired happiness.
Picturing what her ideal future would be like, 14-year-old me imagined having two kids with the love of her life. It’s a very classic, very traditional image. Now, just shy of 40, I’ve achieved exactly that. Lucky me! After all, according to a recent study conducted in Germany, having children really does make you happy –but only for a short while. A year, to be precise.
That’s what two psychology professors at the Health and Medical University in Potsdam discovered by comparing data from 5,500 parents taken five years before having children and five years after. The data shows parents’ well-being peaks in the year after birth. After that, however, the satisfaction quickly fizzles out. Five years on, parental happiness returns to the level it was at five years before the birth. They even display a greater tendency to anger than they did before. So, does having children not make people happy after all?
Goodbye baby bubble
Let’s do a reality check. What was/is it like for me? I remember living in that magic baby bubble: moments of absolute bliss, a feeling of lightness and the sheer joy of being alive. That was shortly after the birth. I don’t quite remember when the baby bubble burst or gradually floated away.
As a mother of two, however, I can confirm the results of the study – one year of ecstasy sounds about right. It’s obvious what happens to a lot of people after that. Expectations of a harmonious family life collide with reality; a reality that’s often exhausting, loud and restless. Anything kids touch gets dirty or breaks, they generally never do what you want them to and everyday activities, no matter how trivial, turn into draining, gargantuan endeavours. Amidst all that, you’re organising childcare, coordinating the family’s schedules and scaling an oversized mountain of laundry every day.
Having children makes you happy, you say? You must be having a laugh!
The thing is, children are under no obligation to make you happy. They’re supposed to be discovering new things, having their own experiences and becoming happy individuals in the process. It’s not their job to make you happy. You’ve got to do that yourself. Making other people responsible for our happiness has never worked. Romantic relationships quickly make us wise to that. So why should it be any different with children?
We should be making them happy, not the other way around
Don’t get me wrong. You’re obviously immensely happy when your little one takes their first steps. When they beam as they hug and kiss you. Or squeal with laughter as they’re splashing in the tub. Children give you countless moments of sheer joy. But that’s exactly the point; at the end of the day, happiness is the sum of these numerous small moments.
Our job as parents is to create these happy moments, both for the family and ourselves. And above all, it’s our job to teach children how to enjoy and appreciate such moments.
Interestingly, a less recent study (link in German) conducted by the University of Heidelberg in 2019 concluded that yes, children make you happy – but only once they’ve moved out. According to the researchers, «The positive aspects of parenthood become more predominant with age.» And when they’re small? It’s quite possible that between the mountains of laundry, the screaming kids and the scheduling, we often fail to notice the important moments for what they are. Challenge accepted!
So what would I say to my 14-year-old self today? Yes, I’m happy. Most of the time, at least. Both because of my children, and despite them. But, as I’ve pointed out, they’re not solely responsible for that feeling.
Header image: UnsplashKatja Fischer
Senior Editor
katja.fischer@digitecgalaxus.chMom of Anna and Elsa, aperitif expert, group fitness fanatic, aspiring dancer and gossip lover. Often a multitasker and a person who wants it all, sometimes a chocolate chef and queen of the couch.