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Why I enjoy going to funerals

16-9-2022

Translation: Katherine Martin

Although they’re always sad events, I generally enjoy going to funerals. Is that weird? I’ve consulted a celebrant responsible for officiating funerals and memorial services to find the answer.

On Monday, the whole world watched as Queen Elizabeth II was laid to rest in London. Quite honestly, I’d have liked to have been there. Because funerals have always held a certain fascination for me. Sure, they’re sad occasions. In theory, anyway. But almost every time I’ve been to a funeral, I’ve caught myself thinking how «beautiful» it was. Okay, fortunately, I haven’t had to go to that many funerals yet. Besides very few exceptions, they were also for people who’d «lived a full life». Still, each time, I was almost a little ashamed of myself; both for looking forward to the funeral and for experiencing it in a positive way.

Whenever these feelings arose, I was reminded of the character Harold Chasen from the novel «Harold and Maude» by the Australian writer Collin Higgins. Released as a film in 1971, the black comedy tells the story of a young man who grows up in a lavish country house. In truth, Harold could enjoy a carefree life of luxury. Instead, he tries to upset his mother by theatrically staging his own suicide. She responds by trying to find him a wife – something Harold is deftly able to avoid. The only thing he really enjoys is attending funerals, which he shows up to in a pitch-black hearse he bought himself.

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It’s at a funeral service that he meets 79-year-old Maude. The pensioner impresses him with her comically audacious personality and unshakeable zest for life, which has emerged unscathed from countless cruel twists of fate.

An avid funeral goer, Harold meets Maude at a memorial service.
Source: Keystone

A few years ago, I pictured myself as a pensioner browsing the obituary pages out of a mix of boredom and fascination in order to pick out exciting-sounding funerals to attend.

However, the real reasons I enjoy going to funerals are as follows. First of all, because of the human need to say goodbye and to pay respects to the person who has died. Secondly, to show the bereaved how much the deceased person meant to me. In addition, when a distant relative dies, you often run into people you’ve either never met or haven’t seen in ages. Thirdly, facing the ephemeral nature of life – a fact our fast-paced society is all too keen to repress – always does me good. And fourthly, to go to the often cheerful, lively gathering afterwards to celebrate life – something the attendees, unlike the deceased person, are still able to do.

Celebrant: «You often get reacquainted with a person at their funeral»

But is it normal that I’ve got a soft spot for funerals? To find out, I contact Michaela Tobler, a celebrant who performs memorials and funerals. «Funerals and memorials are obviously sad occasions. After all, a loved one has died», says Michaela Tobler, who’s been officiating these kinds of events for a year and a half. At the end of the day, it’s about saying thank you and honouring the person who has passed away. When it comes to people who’ve «lived their lives», there’s a prevailing sense of gratitude. «Of course, it’s different when it’s the funeral of a child or young person, or a person who’s died prematurely or in particularly tragic circumstances.»

Celebrant Michaela Tobler says: «The bereaved are buoyed by the sympathy of the community.»

She adds that funerals and ceremonies are important for loved ones, because the mourners attending the ceremony give them an impression of how much the deceased person meant to so many people. «Through this expression of sympathy, the bereaved are sustained by the community in their grief», says Tobler.

Funerals tend to be the last celebration «comprised of this exact mix of people.» In addition, mourners run into people at funerals they either haven’t seen in forever, or haven’t met before. «When someone dies, you often get reacquainted with them at their funeral. It’s not uncommon for people to show photos or slideshows at the meal afterwards and fondly reminisce together», says Tobler.

The wishes of the bereaved are important too

Even if many people feel increasingly disconnected from religion or church, there’s still a desire for farewell rituals. «In Switzerland, we’re in the fortunate position that really any form of funeral is permitted, especially those taking place outdoors», Tobler says. Since she isn’t bound by the requirements of the church, she has the freedom to design how the ceremonies are put together. One departed heavy metal fan requested «Highway to Hell» to be played at his funeral because he was looking forward to a reunion with the buddies who’d passed away before him.

One key message is important to Michaela Tobler: «When a loved one dies, you often forget that you’re allowed to take your time; that you shouldn’t rush.» She’s often had the experience that it’s worth taking your time when considering the send-off of a loved one. «It helps, of course, when you know what the deceased wanted. That said, being clear about what’s important to you as a bereaved person is also key.»

The fact that funerals needn’t just be sad occasions was proven in the 1994 blockbuster Four Weddings and a Funeral starring Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell.

But what should my own funeral (in the hopefully very distant future) be like? Naturally, I’ve already given my wife and kids one or two instructions. «You’ve got to play this song» or «that’s where I want my ashes to be scattered». And of course, I hope a great many people come to the service to pay their respects and have a good, old reminiscing session. Just as I so often do.

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Martin Rupf

Senior Editor

martin.rupf@digitecgalaxus.ch

Half-Danish dad of two and third child of the family, mushroom picker, angler, dedicated public viewer and world champion of putting my foot in it.

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